When I first started answering your questions on my accounts, I came up with a little saying to end each episode: Stay brave. Stay curious. Stay weird. I like the movement from bravery to weird with curiosity as the mediator because the truth is, living out in the kink world requires a great deal of bravery. We are constantly reminded that our values, desires, and identities, are always contested by conventions and conceptions of morality, never stopping to think that these conventions are themselves contested and not universal.
I think it's important we acknowledge the bravery of just existing in the kink world because, often, we confuse bravery with having no limits. I always remind my clients, articulating and enforcing boundaries aren't signs of weakness, they are hallmarks of self-care, reflexivity, and tremendous bravery. Clients tell me all the time about their anxieties of being seen as high maintenance, difficult, or out of role when they explain their personal limits to play. Submissives don't want to be seen as “topping from the bottom,” and dominant role players worry that imposing boundaries will make them less interesting or picky. But by sharing your limits with your partners, you're establishing the parameters of your consent, offering a framework that emphasizes your mental and physical safety so that you can build crucial trust and meaningful connection.
If someone's desire for intimacy or play with you is dependent on violating or pushing your clearly-stated boundaries, they are not safe partners. They might use the vocabulary of consent, but engaging consensually is holistic, not piecemeal. Your boundaries and limitations are a very important part of your identity, and if someone won't acknowledge and abide by them, they don't deserve your trust or intimacy. Building trust and gaining intimate knowledge is something earned over time, and those who have no time for hearing and accepting limitations aren't worth investing in.
In sessions, I work with clients to explore where the lines are and how to articulate them in a matter-of-fact, unapologetic way. We talk about how we find those who are open to truly hearing and honoring the holistic version of who they are and how to speak up when limits are being pushed without consent. We explode these myths about shame and anxiety, thoughts of not being valuable enough to have boundaries, worries about isolation and belittling because they have limits. We arrive at a place of radical acceptance and self-love: these boundaries are here because they protect you. They belong to you. They are vital and necessary. And those who wish to belong in your group of trusted partners and friends should not just acknowledge them but celebrate them with you.
If you're navigating some of these issues: someone violating your boundaries, fear of articulating where your limits are, confusion as to how to find and understand your place in the kink world, inquire now, for no-strings attached introductory session. We can start right away and help you get in touch with the authentic, wonderful, brave, curious, weird, authentic you.