I love him like a brother.
She's been like a mother to me.
We say these phrases often, but we rarely stop to consider how profound they are. These expressions are more than just overzealous exclamations of affection; they're articulations of the beauty and necessity of chosen family.
For many of us in the kink community, the idea of family can be tricky. I frequently speak
with clients who struggle with issues of acceptance and judgment from those in their
biological families. Because these familial bonds are imposed at a young age, they
often feel intrinsic and foundational to our identities. When biological family members
judge or disapprove of our actions, they essentially pull rank
, demanding we align with
their worldview. They ask us to deny our individual sense of self to belong to a
collective we never chose in the first place.
Too often, clients feel the external pressure to conform with conventional expressions of love and intimacy. Yet, our concept of family should actually model the ethos of kink: Consent and acceptance play such a huge role in our kink world, and those concepts will absolutely govern our non-kink relationships, too. Family doesn't have to be mediated through a fear of rejection or a vocabulary of judgment. It can be about unconditional acceptance and intentional choice. True family doesn't create boundaries or limitations; it exposes new worlds of possibilities and encourages genuine growth, rather than stifling it.
If you're feeling tangled up in the web of biological family expectations, criticisms, judgments, and rejections of how you live your life, consider this: Biological families are coincidences of blood. Chosen families are bonds of profound consent and unconditional love. Chosen family shows you daily, through small and large acts of commitment, how much they value who you are and how you love. It doesn't ask you to deny yourself to gain acceptance. It knows you—all of you—and celebrates your worth.
This shift in perspective is transformative. It empowers you to build a support system rooted in authenticity and mutual respect, where your true self, including your kinky identity, is not just tolerated but genuinely cherished. Creating this kind of intentional community provides a foundation of security and belonging that allows you to thrive fully, unburdened by external expectations.
Please know that you don't have to struggle with issues of rejection by biological family alone. If you need someone to help talk you through problems with relationships and how to find and curate a true family of consent, please Reach out for an introductory session with Doctor Z.